Autism: How Much Do I Hate Thee..

A Lot..

Most of you don't know this..but one of my twin sons Christian has Autism..

He was diagnosed at the young age of two. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life even though I already knew that was what was wrong with him.

My twins were born prematurely at 26 weeks gestation. That's 14 weeks premature. They were the tiniest things I have ever seen. It was VERY touch and go for awhile.

Telling Secrets

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This is a photo of them at 3 months old..still in the NICU...it was one of the first times they got to be together since their birth..due to the risk of cross contamination.  We knew that they would both face many hurdles and challenges due to their prematurity but they beat the odds and started to develop normally.

By the age of a year or so they were nearly on target with their development. We thought we were over the hill.

I took the twins for their 18 month shots on schedule..not thinking a thing about it. Now I wish more than anything I hadn't done that. That was to be Christian's undoing. My beautiful boy was so outgoing, smiling all the time, talking, playing with his brothers all the time...

After his shots he was cranky as usual, but then I started to notice changes drastically..Over the course of a couple of weeks he stopped making eye contact with me...or anyone for that matter...he had terrible tantrums, started to flap his hands and twirl, he would crawl on the floor scraping his forehead on the carpet all the way across the room until he had a rug burn, he would turn the toy cars over and spin the wheels on the bottoms of them and stare at them for hours....he stopped smiling and saying MOMMY.

We took him to specialists, who all told us the same thing..."Looks like Autism"

My heart broke..

But then a strange thing hapened...I got PISSED. Really Pissed.

I started to think back to what might have caused this...

When did this all begin?

Vaccination Day...those words rang in my head like the liberty bell...

I got on the internet and found I wasn't the only one this had happened to...there were THOUSANDS of families like ours who had been poisoned by vaccinations. I decided I had to take action...

This is what caused me to begin studying Naturopathy....I looked at special diets for him...removing all traces gluten and casein..(both derivatives of wheat and dairy) which gave no improvement...we did Feingold..(no artificial colors, or sugar, or additives) no improvement... we did digestive enzymes, we did special therapies..speech, art, floortime, physical therapy, occupational therapy....hey, I've become an expert at Autism...you HAVE to when you have a child affected by this TERRIBLE disorder...

Autism has STOLEN my son from me..

And yes...all of the therapies we have done with him HAVE helped...he has started to come back to me...he can now look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me...which until you have lost that in a child of yours you never really realize how much it means...and today it still brings tears to my eyes when he says it..

BUT-

To this day it PROFOUNDLY affects him...My friends tell me...oh but he's doing so much better..he talks now...

YES he talks...but does it make sense? Does repeating the lines to the Brave Little Toaster over and over again make any sense...does it have MEANING? Maybe...somewhere in his head it makes sense...but I need a translator to get "mommy, can I have some milk?" from..."Patches...we need more power.." 

TODAY- Christian is a sweet child...full of surprises around every bend...he sees the world with HIS OWN eyes..I just wish sometimes I could share his visions...really understand what he is seeing and how he sees it...GOD KNOWS i've tried...I have had to learn how to be a observer in his world...almost like someone not wearing the right glasses to read between the lines...

It's ok...he's my boy..and he always will be..and at least he has learned how to say "I love you Mommy" again..

I found a poem on the internet the other day that really brought tears to my eyes...I could SO identify with this mother...

I will share it here for you:

The Poem can be found here:

Poem  It was written by a woman named Jenakajoffer.

Alone in Autism 

 
It could be said that your little neurons 
are short circuiting, 
that your chromosome anomaly may not
be related, 
and you just might be the most perfectly 
beautiful person on the planet, 
but your conception to say the least, 
was not immaculate. 
   
Your wires don't connect, 
the earth's sounds,  too profound;  
sudden changes make you sick  
and the anxiety you eject 
is mistaken 
for just a tantruming brat. 
DAN! Doc says you're full of poison, 
that mercury migrates 
from your toes to your hair 
and you need a seven-year flushing, 
but chelation is pricey 
and I still don't understand 
all your fussing. 
   
I'd want to go back; 
steal the vaccines, contaminated 
and your poor black eyes that glaciated. 
I would try 
just to see if you'd be different. 
I'd shut the world down for you boy, 
bind and gag the clones 
of Charlie Brown's teacher, 
suffocate the horns and sirens, 
and the distracting roar of monstrous appliances. 
I'd paint the sky 
with coal 
if the lights were too bright 
and give you a hundred flashlights if you get scared. 
I'd want to buy you one of those healing dogs 
that would cost a many thousand.   
Bet you'd love that. 
   
I'd feed you chicken and fries, 
chicken and fries 
     chicken  a-n-d  fries, 
for the rest of your life while you sing it 
over and over in the tune of "Jingle Bells". 
If I could, I'd change my name to Mother Nature 
and keep your favourite season for all your days. 
No more flip flops one day, boots the next- 
here's a sweater, and some long, long socks, no... 
I think you should wear shorts, 
or wait... 
you can't ride your bike today, it's raining! 
Isn't it just when you figure it out, it changes again? 
   
I'd painlessly pull out your teeth 
so you wouldn't have to endure 
the spicy taste of paste 
or the distressing shocks of a toothbrush. 
I'd give you "bald is beautiful" medicine so you'd 
   
never 
have 
to 
scream 
   
at the hands of a hairdresser again  
as razorblade prickles stick to your neck. 
I'd rid the earth of all the bees and mosquitos that stalk you 
so you'll never have to lock yourself inside, 
so you'd never have to cry. 
You'd never be set apart in school or have to look another teacher in the eye, 
or be threatened that you'll be late for recess if you don't hurry up and do your printing! 
   
I'll come with you 
to see the icy rings of Saturn and you'll see 
just how small is Pluto, 
and that ship you talk about that would keep you warm there, 
you will build it. 
I just wish I could let you sit in the basement 
all day with legos
without feeling like you're missing out 
on more important things... 
Friends? 
No. 
   
There is no Rainman. 
There is you, just a boy 
in a world that is strange, 
sitting on a spectrum of your own personal genius. 
You introduced me to this world, 
I don't understand it 
and I am afraid. 
I am alone with you my son 
but I will never let go. 
   
I hate Autism. 
But I love you.