I Had One Of Those Oprah AHA Moments!!

(Well..actually several..)

I decided yesterday that I would no longer dwell on my mother’s issues. And I fully intend to do that. (Right after I write one more LONG RAMBLING post on it..LOL)

I was supposed to meet with her this morning at Weight Watchers and decided that wasn’t a good idea after all. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. So I called her at 6am and told her I wouldn’t be showing up. She said it was fine and that she would be coming up to the apartment to do laundry and pack some more things, and that she would stop by afterwards for coffee and a chat,  and even as she said it my blood boiled..but I had to stop myself, and tell myself that there’s nothing I can do about her choices. I can only control my reaction to them.

I had full intentions of unloading on her today when she came for coffee. I was going to really tell her exactly what I thought of her stupid decisions and how she had hurt me.  I was going to stand up and tell her there would be NO MORE of that.  BUT- When she showed up I just couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I got the shakes, and was filled with utter FURY the whole time she was here. I’m fairly certain she could sense it that I was really not up for small talk. Yet she never asked me what was wrong… And that’s when it hit me…She didn’t even CARE what was wrong. All she could talk about was how grand life was now that she was back “home” again and how supportive all of her lovely church friends had been and how they had all accepted her back into the fold with open arms…and it literally made me ill inside. But I kept my mouth shut, because I KNEW if I opened it I would only scream and yell and it would only upset me more. I had to keep control over my emotions. Because for me to lose it and scream at her would only be giving her power over me.

My reaction to her today was totally foreign to me. There has never been a time in my life I can remember that I have been this furious with her. Sure I’ve gotten mad, but there’s always been this feeling of guilt that’s gone along with it and I’ve squashed my anger towards her and usually turned it back on myself and twisted it around to where somehow I was the one that had screwed up and needed to change MY thinking instead of  the other way around.

You see, I was raised under the belief that as a child I should always “Honor my mother and my father.” I literally had it beat into my head from as young as I can remember.  Mom always said that because they were the parents we should always do what they said no matter what, because it was in the Bible. That was how we were to honor them. But at what point does doing what they say cross the line from honoring them into some other territory? When does blind obedience do more harm than good?

My mother and stepfather have frequently twisted things in the bible to their favor to get what they want. Honor your mother and your father, forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, and so on and so forth…it’s really one of the reasons I have such an issue with organized religion to this day. Dont get me wrong, I believe in God, but I don’t think he would approve of so called Christians twisting his words to get their own way.

Take for instance this situation: Mom asks me to help her move back into the house because it is “honoring” her to save her marriage.(and yes she actually did make that argument to me along with LOTS of other ones she supposedly based on the Bible that were full of holes.)

My argument with that is that I am not “honoring” her by enabling her to go back to an abusive relationship. I feel like I’m honoring her MORE by breaking the cycle for myself and my family in hopes that I can be an example to my children. Also by not enabling her I am showing my sons that it’s not ok for them to treat women the way my stepfather has treated their grandmother. THAT is honoring my mother. At least that’s the way I see it.

All my life I have worked so hard to be the “good daughter”, to do every little thing she asked of me, to take care of her, protect her, to put her before myself. I feel like I was “groomed” so to speak to be this person. It’s only now that I’m realizing just how sick that role is. How much it has cost me. In essence it was role reversal.  Ever since I have been an adult I have in essence “mothered” my mother and probably even before that.

After doing some research on the internet I realize now that I am the perfect image of Codependency.

My husband said it best one day: “You run to her side at every whim, give her your time, money, heart and soul, and yet she can’t even take the time to show up for her grandkid’s birthday parties? How screwed up is that?”

And he’s totally right. She has taken and taken and taken from me my whole life, and given very little in return.

I’m reminded of one Christmas when she literally gave me a lighter for Christmas. The kind you light a barbecue pit with that you get at the checkout lane. I remember when I opened it trying so hard not to look disappointed. It was like an afterthought.  I know what you’re thinking..yeah but it’s the thought that counts… and I know that, but how much thought do you really think went into this? She’s checking out for groceries and says to herself…Oh I haven’t gotten Catherine anything for Christmas this year yet, and looks over and sees the lighter and says PERFECT!! Really??  It speaks volumes to me. I remember her saying to me..” I know how much you love candles so I got you something to light them with..”

It just seems to me like my eyes are wide open for the very first time as far as our relationship goes.

I know now that things have never been as they seemed in our relationship. As much as she claimed to have loved me it was her own special brand of love.  It was love said in words and never carried out in actions. And as much as it makes me sad to realize that I feel so much better off now that I’m aware of it.

I feel empowered with this new knowledge, because I feel like I won’t fall victim to her games anymore.

My mother is truly a sick person, and I’ve spent my whole life lying to myself about that, and trying to cover for it, and it’s literally worn me out.  I am going to take all of that energy that I have wasted all of these years and direct it in more positive meaningful directions. Towards my own family, towards my friends, towards people who will genuinely appreciate it and cherish it, and more importantly towards taking care of myself.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love my mother anymore, because I still love her more than she will ever understand, but that love does not mean that I do everything she asks me. I have to create new and healthy boundaries between myself and her, and it’s going to take time, but I WILL do it.

I think the most important work has just begun, and already I feel a hundred pounds lighter…